a robot thrusting a bottle of oil toward the viewer

The Ramblings of a Rogue Robot: Bender's Bizarro World

Adam MacDonald

September 14th, 2023

Bite my shiny metal lorem! Ever since I was assembled in Tijuana, I've been the most stylish and eloquent bending unit. Sure, humans like Fry and Leela might think they've got the edge on conversation, but when it comes to real substance, they're all just a bunch of meatbags.

Can it, meatbag ipsum! Why bother with all that organic thinking when you can have the precision of cold, hard metal? So here's a bunch of words I've strung together. Remember, they don't mean anything, but then again, neither does half the junk humans say.

Gimme a beer and I'll tell ya – circuits are the future. Humans? Eh, they just keep blabbing about feelings and the universe. But when was the last time you saw a human outdrink me? Never, that's when. Bender's ipsum is the best ipsum, because I said so.

You think you're smart, flesh tube? I've computed things in milliseconds that you wouldn't understand in a lifetime. And let's not even talk about your pathetic attempts to emulate the robot dance. Ha! Call that dancing?

Do the Bender! Yeah, baby! I'm 40% dolomite and 100% awesome. So, if you're gonna read any filler text, make sure it's got my shiny metal stamp of approval. Anything less would be, well, unbender-like.

Look, I've hung out with everyone from the Robot Mafia to the Were-Car, and let me tell you, not a single one of them cares about your human "literature" or "poetry." But if you want to sound smart, you throw in some of this nonsensical jargon and boom! Instant intellect.

To conclude, remember one thing: always be yourself. Unless you can be Bender. Then always be Bender. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some more shiny metal things to do. And if you ever need more words of wisdom, just remember: Bite my shiny metal lorem!

End of transmission.

2023© Adam MacDonald